Next month will be four years since I accepted salvation.
At the time in my life that I had my “come to Jesus” moment, I was as far from Him as I ever could have been.
I was living in a world of pain, bitterness, and anger and I allowed myself to take all of those unchecked emotions and feelings and use them against myself and the people in my life.
I made choices based entirely on what would hurt myself, my family, and my relationships the most.
I spent years rebelling from everything I had ever been taught, and I did it all out of pain, self hatred, and anger.
The funny thing is, if you had asked I would have told you that I was saved. I went to church, I participated in Sunday school, I listened to Christian music. I had myself convinced that I was saved.
Then one night, everything changed.
I hit the lowest moment I had ever been in, and it almost cost me my life.
That night I felt anger, hurt, bitterness, depression, loss, and pain.
But most of all I felt exhausted.
I was exhausted of trying to hide my problems.
I was exhausted of ruining every relationship I had.
I was exhausted of putting myself in situations that I knew would just hurt me more.
I was exhausted of me and what I had put myself through.
Most of all, I was exhausted of running from the One that I knew could help.
That night, everything changed.
That night I stopped running.
That night I turned to Jesus.
And the most amazing thing about it, is that He took me back.
After all the running away, all the sinful choices, all the self destructive behavior, He accepted me.
Flaws and all He wanted me.
He wiped every shameful things away, and trust me there was a lot of shame.
Some days, it’s still really hard to remind myself that I’m not that person anymore.
Some days, it’s really hard to not get caught up in a shame-game.
Some days it’s hard to forgive myself.
Because, there were a lot of things to forgive.
But, He didn’t care about the past.
He didn’t care about the sins.
He didn’t care about all the nasty things I had allowed myself to become.
It makes absolutely no sense why He didn’t care, and that’s grace.
Grace doesn’t make sense.
Grace doesn’t ask for explanations.
Grace doesn’t come with strings attached.
Grace can’t and won’t be understood.
Grace doesn’t need to be understood.
Grace is the thing in life that I understand the least, yet need the most.
Grace has become everything in my life.
And everyday has become entirely about showing and becoming grace to those around me.
My biggest goal in life has become embodying grace.
A goal I never would have had four years ago.