“You just have to remind yourself that God doesn’t make Junk.” The well-meaning lady with a smile said to me in the church lobby one day, after service.
She looked at me with the most intense smile I’ve ever seen, and patted my arm in assurance.
This lady is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. And one of the few older adult ladies, in my life, that I feel comfortable with opening up to. So when I tried to be honest and vulnerable with her about the struggles I’d been having with my self worth and mental health, I expected something different.
I’m not sure what, in that moment, I expected. Maybe some action steps, or a bible verse that I could through at myself when bad thoughts came, or some similar “Quick-fix” that i didn’t need to really work towards.
However, that’s not what I got. Instead, I got disappointment that this mentor’s only advice or wisdom for me was a cheesy one-liner that sounds like it came from a sitcom.
I knew, in my head, that God doesn’t make junk. However, When I took a look in the mirror, it was hard to get my heart to agree.
The above incident happened a little over three years ago, when I was at the lowest point in my life I’ve ever been in. I was struggling with A lot of junk. A lot of horribleness. A lot of evil things.
At that point in my life I had become a pro at hiding my troubles and mental health issues. I was living with unrelenting and reassuring sin. And I was not allowing myself to build actual relational and human connections with people.
In sort, I was a mess.
I was at the very lowest point in my life, and I had no clue how to get out of it.
I was in a deep, deep valley.
I’ve gone through a lot of growth in the last three years. But, I’m still imperfect. I still struggle with mental health issues. I still sometimes have trouble believing that I’m not junk.
The difference between now and then:
THEN: I didn’t believe that “God Doesn’t Make Junk”
NOW: I know that the junk in our lives are not created by God, but rather allowed, by God, to exist in order to help us become better people.
You see, I still have issues. When I hear people say the adage “God Doesn’t make junk” it makes me cringe, because of that one moment when I was 16.
Sometimes, I feel like a walking contradiction, The extrovert with social anxiety. The perfectionist with messy hair. The healthy girl with thick things. I’m the human embodiment of paradox.
But, I’ve grown to be okay with that.
Because, when I have nothing else, I have JESUS.
All he’s ever wanted is my heart, and after too long and a lot of junk, it’s finally, entirely, completely his.
And even when I go through a deep, dark, heart-breaking valley, HE is with me to comfort me. AND that’s what matters.